What --
God -- I'm in my fucking suitcase.
Richard, what the fuck?
It's a present.
Hey! Assholes!
Uh...
Coffee shop.
Lattes, no foam.
Yeah.
Uh, I got to go.
Why did you bring him?
Mind your own business and get us out of here!
Shut up, you big crybaby.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Hey!
Move, move, move, move, move. Go, go, go.
Let's go, baby.
Where is...the damn key?
You don't have the keys?
I thought you had the keys.
It's like when you were a kid.
Sometimes it helps to retrace your steps. - Oh.
Mohammed.
You're under arrest!
You killed Harry!
Start shooting, John. Do something. Shit!
Harry wasn't hurting nobody.
What the fuck am I gonna do
with all those damn diapers I bought him?
Good God!
You're stepping on my thing! Oh!
Allah be praised.
Now you will give your lives to avenge this outrage.
Or we could just kill the other guys.
Yeah!
Jesus Christ, can you control this thing?
Yes!
Watch where you're going!
Oh, god.
It's the moo cow from the welfare office.
"sorry, we're closed."
Bitch!
What was that?
Oh.
I thought we had a flat, but we just ran over some girl.
Whew! Thank god.
Got a body on maple.
Tag 22, please repeat your location.
Maple, like the syrup.
Oh, this is fucking fantastic.
Oh, my God, these kids are heavy!
Okay. All right.
Gary -- wait.
Just wait. Wait.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Roll it, Gary.
Make me a star.
Oh, my god.
This is Gayle Ravenson
reporting live from Little Germany theme park,
on what will forevermore
be known as the place where the laughter died.
Celebrity icon Verne Troyer
is currently missing or presumed dead.
The coward responsible for this massacre
has been described as a rodent-like man with red hair
and wearing a "peace" T-shirt.
Back to you, Bob.
Oh, that's right.
You're dead.
These kids are starting to smell.
I can't believe I took this fucking job.
Fucking bullshit.
God damn it.
This helps.
Definitely helps.
We need to get him inside immediately,
along with the merchandise! - Yes.
Jesus titty-fuck, they're already here.
Now what do we do?
That was the safest place in all of Paradise.
You guys don't have like a bomb shelter
or a basement or something, you know,
that the Taliban couldn't have found themselves, right?
No, we don't.
We do. - What?
We do.
There's a massive underground shelter
beneath the main compound.
It's perfect.
You know what would be perfect?
My foot up your ass.
Who the fuck are you people?
What the fuck did you bring him for?
You'll see, Uncle Dave.
Do you think we can sneak him past the Taliban
without them finding out?
And where the fuck are you gonna hide my Krotchy dolls?
In plain sight.
Somebody grab the little guy.
Come on, little guy.
What the fuck's going on?
Come on.
Okay. Shut up.
Come on.
Citizens of this great nation --
town...
be on the lookout for this psychopathic, deranged killer,
also known as...
Postal Dude.
...Postal Dude.
That's the best we could come up -- Postal Dude.
He's wanted in conjunction with the kidnapping,
the shooting at the welfare office...
the assassination of candidate Wells...
and killing a Chinese woman.
He killed a poor, innocent Chinese lady.
So, if you see him...
You ever just have one of those days?
Mm, no.
Hey! Hey!
The Postal Dude!
Get him!
Hey, come on!
Uh, I don't think that's him.
See how his hair flows, though?
This guy looks more like Jesus.
Shit. Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
Let's go!
Thank you!
Get him! Come on!
Hey, which way did he go?
This way!
Why did you help him?
Want to clean the windows again?
Yeah, fuck.
Hold it!
Up against the wall now!
Ow!
Huh?
Look like I bagged me the Postal Dude.
Ugh!
God damn!
You son of a bitch!
I think you busted my nose!
Ohh, fuck!
You fucking asshole!
I'm gonna fuck you up!
Ugh!
Sorry.
I think he went that way!
No wonder cops are crabby. This weighs a fucking ton.
Handcuffs -- those are cool.
What is that? Is that like a flashlight?
Pepper spray.
Pepper spray is neat.
Officer!
Paul Lipscombe, neighborhood watchdog group, Chapter 232.
Good job, citizen.
Did you see the Postal Dude?
Yes, uh, yes.
He went down thataway.
Right.
Citizens united, let's get this fucker!
Get him!
Hey, hey.
Nice outfit.
Like you couldn't be more of an ass already.
You look like a penguin.
So, I dropped the junk off.
Yeah.
Now, where is that underground shelter place?
Shh. Go through the bedroom.
Yeah, the -- okay.
Zzzhhh!
All right, all right, I'm going in.
All right.
All right, I'm going in. Stay.
Have you heard from Osama?
No.
Heard from the truck?
No.
Have you seen the dog? - No!
Do you know anything? - I don't know.
You are stupid!
Mohammed, I'm sorry.
Stupid...
...Why the World Trade Center victims deserved to die,
after the break.
Discouraged by the inability to stem the...
...prevents the continent from having any further contact
with the rest of the planet.
According to leading experts,
video games are the number-one cause of violence --
Psst! Puss, puss, puss.
Here, you stupid cat.
Meow!
Hmm?
Aah!
Good kitty.
Psst, psst. Come on. Come on.
Gah.
Stay low.
I already am.
Go. Go, go, go.
Let's go. Come on. Up, up, up, up, up, up.
Get him. Get him. Get him.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Line up, my sexies.
That includes you, too, Mr. Troyer.
Jenny, would you mind opening it?
My pleasure.
Jenny, you, too, huh?
Am I the only fucking person
who didn't know there was a bomb shelter underneath my bedroom?
It's not a bomb shelter, Uncle Dave.
I can't believe this fucking shit.
It's a god shelter.
Richie, what the fuck is this?
This is amazing.
This is a shithole.
What is all this for?
Dave's bible, Chapter 11, Psalm 23 --
"and in the end, the fire and the plagues
"will come at the behest of the Lord,
"and the sores and the boils,
"and the intestinal ulcers and testicular tumors
shall befall all of humanity"...
except for those who hide like rabbits below the ground.
Hey, this is pretty sweet.
You ever, uh, fire --
Don't touch anything!
Aah!
We will need every bullet for the end of all things.
That's great, Richie.
But right now we've got a problem, all right?
My house is full of a bunch of fucking religious fanatics
who think they're gonna be the chosen people at the end of the world.
As opposed to -- shut the fuck up.
Why don't you shut the fuck up?
You don't think I'll come over there? I'll come over there.
I'll stick this finger up your ass.
Yeah, you and what fucking ladder?
I'll get you. - I'll fucking --
Take this.
God damn.
Richie, the point is...
We don't need to be worried about the end right now, okay?
We just need to take those guns,
go upstairs, kill some motherfuckers,
get my merchandise back,
sell it so we can pay off the IRS, all right?
Not gonna sell the merchandise, Uncle Dave.
What?!
I am sorry to inform you,
but that was never part of the plan.
So, what is the plan?
To end the world, of course.
You guys have issues, man.
Did you know about this?
No, I didn't fucking know about this. - But he works for you.
Apparently not.
Dah! I can hear you.
Richie...
Now it is time for the rest of you
to know the full extent of our plan.
This is why we need the Krotchy dolls.
What happens up my ass stays up my ass.
The Avian Bird Flu --
the plague for which the western devil has no cure.
If these dolls
are to be distributed throughout the United States,
there will be death and destruction
beyond all comprehension!
Yeah!
That is what I'm talkin' about.
So, to make a long story short,
the Taliban wanted to get ahold of the flu,
and ma-na na-na na-na na-na na, and they were gonna spread it.
Whatever. I mean, we stopped them, right?
We're good.
Exactly!
We stopped them...
so that we could do it our own way.
What?
See, they only wanted to spread it in the United States,
but in order to fulfill the prophecy in Dave's bible,
We must wipe out the entire planet.
He's fucking nuts.
Which brings us to you, Mr. Verne Troyer!
If he wrote anything about me in that bible,
we're gonna have some serious problems.
"and you shall know when the final day of reckoning begins
"because on that day,
"a tiny entertainer
will be raped by 1,000 monkeys!"
That's it. I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.
I'm sorry, little --
Ohh!
Enough! Enough! Enough!
Stop him! We must do as god commands!
God damn it.
Bring on the monkeys!
Oh, not the monkeys.
Where'd you get so many monkeys?
I don't fucking know.
I got nothing to do with this shit.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
Ohh!
Don't fuck the pants up, please.
All in all, this has really not been a very pleasant day.
Yeah. - But...
Unfortunately, the desperate nature of our situation
suggests that we may need another of us
to embrace martyrdom as we bring our fight to the Infidels.
Now...
How about Abdul? - Hey, let's go do some drugs.
Oh, that is a great idea, a great idea -- genius!
Of course, one must agree willingly.
Now, Abdul...
If you don't want to be blown into a tiny million pieces,
raise your hand, hop on one foot, and sing "Free Bird."
Abdul it is.
Now, if we just had Osama.
Does anybody know where the fuck he is?!
So, you can see that just by changing the words you use,
you can motivate your employees in all new ways.
If you master my 117 steps to dominating your employees,
I personally guarantee you will have a team
of little killer bees ready to live or die at your command.
You can make them work for 72 hours straight at a time,
especially if you put crystal meth in the water.
Now, some of you may be asking, "isn't crystal meth illegal?"
Technically, yes,
but the U.S. Air force uses it to fuel their pilots
when they're on night missions over Afghanistan.
So it can't be that illegal if the U.S. Air force uses it.
So...what now?
So, you're just gonna shoot us?
Yeah, you know, I'm really sorry, man.
I mean, obviously, this is some sort of misunderstanding,
But you can see
where I kind of have to go with it at this point. Hmm?
I mean, you're my nephew, but these are my people.
Got to lead them to the Promised Land.
You're a douche.
Not. - Yeah.
Actually, the bible doesn't say to kill you.
What the fuck, Richie?
Come on, what?
I'm -- I'm god on earth, remember?
Read your fucking bible.
When you read between the lines,
it's remarkable how the meanings change.
Now, the way I read it
was god chose you as a pawn to get this movement going.
But now it's time for someone else to take charge...
someone...
...who truly believes.
No, Richie.
Oh!
Ugh!
Ew!
I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
Fuck!
Fuck me!
I'm fucking gay!
Who the fuck knew?
I had no clue, man, but this explains a lot.
Oh, I can finally learn to love myself for who I am.
I'm a fucking chubby chaser, too!
Fuck it, man!
This is great.
Aww!
You know what?
Today is the start of my whole new life.
Right.
Aah!
Mitzi.
Okay, so I'm bi.
Yuck!
You.
You we are grateful to,
so we will let you live...
Until the bird flu gets you.
Or we can put you out of your misery right now -- either way!
Actually...
Uh, no.
Um, you have to leave me alive...
Richie...
if you want to have your little...Apocalypse.
And why is that?
Uh, because I am the only guy
who knows where the truck filled with bird flu is parked.
Yeah! That's clever!
That is clever!
But it's not insurmountable.
You didn't go far.
We'll just find it ourselves,
and then we'll kill you!
Or not, remember?
The bible said that you didn't have to kill me,
And you said you weren't going to,
And you killed Dave.
Yeah, but as soon as I said that, I just --
it just was a lousy idea, so ha-ha.
We'll be right back.
Get in there!
Aah. Aah.
What are you still doing here?
We're supposed to wait for Richard
to get back with the truck.
And then we eat the poison brownies
and ascend into god's love.
Starr couldn't wait.
She was on a cleanse.
Yeah, that all sounds like a real good plan.
Me --
I'm gonna go upstairs...
kill me some terrorists...
probably die in a hail of bullets.
If by some miracle I make it out alive,
I'm gonna find that fat fuck of yours, Richard,
and stick this machine gun up his self-righteous ass.
Yeah.
Decisions, decisions.
Uh-oh.
Aah!
Mine.
What? - Yours.
Aww!
Oh, you are good.
Well, you are better. - I know.
Come on.
Aah!
Let's go.
You cunning little bitch.
You're not retarded, are you?
You've just been faking it.
Mine.
Aah!
They'll meet us later.
All right, ladies.
This is where we split up.
Aw.
Go home to your families.
Think for yourselves,
And no more crazy cults
that look forward to the end of the world.
Don't worry.
We've decided to be Christians from now on.
Well...
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Hold on. Hold on.
Why?
Because you're married?
No, I just want to give Karen a turn.
Oh!
Hey. - Hi!
Oh, my God.
Paradise, here I come.
Speaking of wild shit,
have you seen that guy's wife?
Yeah, she's hard to miss.
Yeah.
She's a good fuck, though.
You fucked her?
Several times.
She's got a clapper in her trailer.
The lights go on and off and on and off.
Makes you feel like a rock star!
Let's go to the trailer.
Aw, right.
Hey, it's the Postal Dude!
Get him!
Go! Go! Go!
Come on!
Go! Go!
Unh!
Come on. - Shoot him!
Eat this!
I'm sorry!
Bye, cowards!
Aah!
You are so hot.
And you turned into a crazy psychopath.
There were some pretty good reasons.
That's what they all say.
I have to destroy a postal truck filled with lethal microbes
before a doomsday cult or a terrorist group
Gets their hands on it and destroys the entire world.
Yeah, like I believe that.
Jihad!
Huh? - Jihad!
Okay. Uh, where's that truck?
Great.
Okay.
Oh. I'm sorry, Mr. Laden.
It looks like your credit card's been declined.
What?
It looks like every free government on the planet
has frozen your assets.
Would you take a check?
Cash, American.
I'm a little short.
Sammy, we need you right away.
Do you have any cash?
No.
Run!
Freakin' Arabs.
Go back to Mecca and run around your big black box!
Oh, god. - You okay?
Yeah, you ever get like a hangnail?
Yeah, it's brutal. - Aah!
What the hell was that?
Fuck her, Greg.
Yeah, come on. Fuck her, Greg.
How's that, huh?
A little to the left, motherfucker.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, okay. Oh! Okay!
You're right. You're right.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
There you go. Oh!
Oh, yeah!
Yes!
oh!
Yes! Give it to me.
Whoo-hoo!
Who is that? Ugh.
My soon-to-be-ex-wife.
Oh.
Yeah! Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
You like that? - Yes!
Great job! A little faster.
That ought to do it.
All right.
Here, champ! Come on, buddy.
Champ?
Come on!
Ah, poop.
Let's get out of here.
All right.
Too late.
Whoo-hoo!
What the fuck was that?
Fucking guy! We're gonna fucking mess you up!
Back! Back!
Fucking die!
Shoot that motherfucker down!
I love you, Greggie. I love you, too.
Go back! Go back!
Let's do it! All right!
Hey!
God damn it!
Get the hell off my property!
Motherfucking piece of shit!
Hand over the Avian Flu, Infidel!
Hello?
That's their truck, right?
Oh, there he is...
the guy who killed Uncle Dave.
We must rebalance our energies
by cutting out his spleen!
Okay.
Fuck this.
Uh-huh.
Bomb!
B-b-b-b-bomb! Bomb!
Hold up! Fuck!
"big bomb that could take out a whole city block" bomb.
Do I have your attention?
Get down here!
What is wrong with you people?
You're so busy trying to blow up the world in the name of God.
News flash, fucktards --
God doesn't need your help.
He's God!
And he, she, it --
they gave you life.
And you're wasting it.
Look around you.
Look.
Look, God damn it!
See?
We're not that different
'cause we all come from the same family...
known as humanity.
Now, what do families do?
Do they fight?
Yeah, sure.
But they work it out 'cause they love each other,
and they know that they're stuck with each other,
just like all of us are,
here on the crazy big mud ball
called Earth.
So, come on, people.
Let's try and find some common ground, huh?
Uh, well, we all hate Jews!
Yeah.
Yeah, well, everybody knows that, yeah.
No, no, no, no, not a hate thing.
Ah, sh--
A happy thing.
I don't get it.
I think it's time to empty our hands of guns
so we can fill our hands
with hugs.
If you want to waste this precious gift we call life,
I can't stop you.
So, go ahead.
Shoot.
Or...
...hug.
Shoot him.
Oh, you motherfuckers!
God damn!
Aah!
I'm starting to get pissed.
Greggie, I'm still wet, though!
Just plug that little thing in. I'll be there in one second.
Ugh!
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Aah!
You like that?
Aah!
Hey, Mo, save some virgins for me.
Aah!
Please insert an additional 25 cents
to complete your long-distance call.
Hello, this is George W. Bush.
It's Osama.
I need some help, man!
Hi, there, Osama.
How are you?
You got to speak up, George.
I can't hear you over the gunfire. - Hmm?
Gunfire. I'm trapped in a trailer park in Paradise city.
I'm here for you, buddy.
We got you on satellite.
Should I send a couple cruise missiles down there?
Uh-oh.
No, I --
Please insert an additional 25 cents
to continue your long-distance call.
I was thinking maybe a helicopter to come pick me up.
Hey, that -- that could work.
Uh, there's a field just south of you.
I'll pick you up there.
Aw, thanks, Georgie.
I, um...
Yes?
I just wish I knew how to quit you.
Shit.
Oh!
No hand-to-hand combat, no hand-to-hand combat.
No, no, no, no.
Hello.
Internal Revenue Service, Frank Dumont.
We're here to conduct an audit on a Mr. David Clark.
You are American government?
Yes, sir. Is Mr. Clark at home?
Hold on one moment, government man.
I have someone to speak to you.
Unauthorized fruit sales.
I should have brought that dip.
Jihad! Jihad!
Ji-- oh, yeah.
Jihad, yeah.
Abdul!
Abdul, where is your belt?
You're not wearing your explosive belt.
We're taking the cop car.
Abdul.
Lorraine, Lorraine...
Stop licking your own asshole, okay?
You're my publisher.
You tell them that this is a prime example
of why everybody should buy my book,
"how to fire an employee without making him go postal" --
Because I'm a --
Aah!
You ruined everything!
Oh.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Don't be a dick...
No!
...dick.
At an Alabama high school today...
Did you -- champ!
Hey, buddy.
Hey! Hey!
I thought I smelled poo-poo breath.
...garbage duty for a week as punishment.
Nice to see you, pal.
We're interrupting our regular broadcast
to take you live for this emergency announcement
from the President.
This is the President
of the United States of America.
C.I.A. Intelligence has confirmed
that the governments of China and India
were directly responsible for the terrorist cell
recently uncovered in Paradise.
Worse still, they continue to make T-shirts for well under $1.
In response, we've been forced
to destroy both countries with "nucular" force.
China, despite all our freedom-loving efforts,
was able to send 30 atomic warheads our way.
They should hit in a little under two minutes.
I wish you all the best of luck with your future endeavors,
and God Bless America.
Well?
I regret nothing.
You know what? Forget the stuff.
Oh! - What are you doing?
Don't you want me to get out of here? Come on!
Come on!
Come on.
Go out!
Ugh.
They got a hu--
Oh, god!
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# hand in hand, we'll stroll the land in the peace and harmony #
# we'll be friends till the end #
# buddies, you and me #
Georgie, I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful friendship
# flowers all around #
# from the birth of mother earth #
# we hear the magic sound, singing #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# devils cast into the sea #
# brothers without love #
# ripple to a tidal wave #
# swelling to a flood #
# brave the storm, you lonesome ships #
# courage, it's not far #
# sail away #
# we'll find a day in the land of la-la-la, singing #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# tree of life bearing fruit #
# nourishing us all #
# as the sun will become the father standing tall #
# let us take our appleseed and plant it in the ground #
# soon we'll seen an apple tree and hear the magic sound #
# oo-oo-oo-ooh #
Attention, residents of the planet earth.
Don't miss the sale of the century.
With the purchase of one clone,
get a second clone...
for free.
There's no business like clone business.
Subtitles by LeapinLar